Never Too Old To Turn "It" On ...

Bluffton Today column
May 19, 2010

You may remember a column I wrote just before Christmas about the passing of my Great Aunt Madeleine. She was defacto-matriarch of our family, based solely on my belief that no one could lip sync “Away in the Manager” on Christmas Eve like she could.

Anyway, last week Aunt Madeleine’s hubby of more than sixty years, Uncle Al, ventured south to visit the Bluffton branch of the family tree. Uncle Al made the trip with my Grandmother (Aunt Madeleine’s sister). It is safe to say that we’re all hoping this new development is platonic in nature. However, we are also a little afraid to ask. Wink. Wink.

So, one morning Uncle Al was venturing out for his morning walk and my Mom reminded him to take his cell phone, just in case. Uncle Al told mom that he has had his cell phone for two years, but he never uses it because the battery is always dead.

Mom, whom I clearly get my sense of humor from, and has an uncanny ability to ask a string of questions in such quick succession that you don’t know what hit you, retorted, “Then why do you even have a cell phone? You’re missing the purpose. What if something happens? What will you do?”

“I need a Verizon store,” Uncle Al declared. So, off to the Verizon store they went. That encounter went a little something like this:

Uncle Al: “My phone doesn’t work. The battery is dead.”

Verizon (after turning on the phone, and not flinching when the AT&T logo appeared!): “Sir, your battery is fine.”

Uncle Al: “Wait! How did you do that?”

Verizon: “Well, I just hit the red button, the ‘on’ button.”

Uncle Al: “On is red? I’ve been hitting the green button all this time. Doesn’t green mean go?”

Mom (under her breath): “For two years!?!”

Back in the car, and back to Mom’s house they went, where apparently Uncle Al thought it would be an appropriate time to make sure he understood how all of the household appliances worked. You know, just in case. That encounter went a little something like this.

Uncle Al: “How do you turn on the coffee pot?”

Mom: “You hit the button that says, ‘on’.”

Uncle Al: “How do you answer the phone?”

Mom: “You hit the button that says, ‘talk’.”

This may have gone on for hours, but Mom had only a few seconds while serving Sunday dinner to pull me aside for the highlights. And knowing Uncle Al like I do, it is perhaps more likely that he did this just to see how far he could push my Mom. He has a hell of a sense of humor for an octogenarian.

Regardless, it got me thinking. About age (as I reluctantly celebrated the glorious “twenty-seventeen” last week). And more significantly - about the recent revelations of swinger activity in Sun City. Yowzer! Hello! This is big news for our little town, so I must address it.

I’m actually torn on the issue – torn between a “good for them” attitude and throwing up in my mouth a little bit. Now, if this little ditty is true can we conclude that there is more sex happening in Sun City than on the USCB campus? That could be revolutionary.

Further, this could be a huge branding opportunity for Del Webb. “Sun City, An Active Adult Community” could easily be transitioned to “Sun City, A Sexually Active Adult Community.” Heck, sales may even “rise.”

Their “Lifestyle” Director (who I am sure is a lovely woman, and hopefully has a good sense of humor), could get a national sponsor courtesy of yup, you guessed it -- LifeStyles condoms. A box of new business cards, maybe some free samples, and she’ll be the most popular gal on campus.

According to Sun City’s website, “team sports” are a big hit and “who knew you could work up a sweat playing croquet” … I would, of course, modify that page completely.

I’ve always been of the “shoot me when I’m sixty” school of thought. I don’t want to get old. But, it seems that although my knowledge of technology may wane, I have a pretty good shot of “gettin’ a little” something else out of my golden years.
If after reading this column you experience laughter for more than two hours, please consult your doctor.